There are only so many up's and down's in life you can go through before you get sick of the roller coaster and desperately want to step off. I will say, my tolerance is pretty high, so I stayed on that ride for far longer than some may have chosen! The reality is, I like my life. I like eating what I want, making my schedule whatever fits my desires, and not having to tell myself no! I mean really, at the end of the day, under all the excuses is my own selfishness. It's a funny kind of selfishness though. It's not the kind of selfishness that says, "I'm the most important person in my life," but rather "immediate gratification is more important to me than my deeper long-term needs." It's as though through our choices, we are holding ourselves as prisoners for our own selfish gain. How wrong is that?
For a lot of people, the selfishness that keeps them from getting motivated is entangled with brokenness, a history of defeat, and a long list of "why I can'ts." For me, I just haven't wanted to give up what I love enough to truly make the life-long changes that equate to sacrificing my own desires. That's what's kept me from diving in fully beyond a couple month commitment...that combined with a sincere and true inability to consistently workout, find balance on my own, and stay motivated. ...each of which have their own set of stumbling blocks.
So that brought up various questions for myself that now I also propose to you. What do you desire more than living life as your full self? Why isn't living as your full self for the long-haul more important than the freedom to do, eat, and enjoy what you want immediately? Once we realize we are worth the sacrifice, how do we take charge of our lives knowing there are real and genuine hurdles to overcome in order to be and feel our fullest? Where do we even get started?
Once I finally realized that my life was worth living to the fullest, and my choices of immediate gratification were only sending me onto that never-ending roller coaster of pain, I was finally able to step into a journey of revolutionary change where I could, at the very least, explore a potential life without pain. It's a life I haven't known for over ten years or more and one I'm eager to discover! I realize I may not have complete control over the pain I feel as God may still have purpose in my pain, but I trust that the pain that does leave my body (all or some) will leave me at a multi-road crossroads unlike any I've seen before. As I walk with the Lord in this journey, I lay my hope for healing at His feet where I imagine to be at the starting line of opportunities. Once I finally imagined a life of health and possibilities, I lost a the greater desire for choices that would immediately gratify and instead gained a drive and desire for the rewards unseen. I realized, you don't just get up and run a marathon. To have that kind of stamina and strength it takes a lot of training, discipline, and intentionality. That's what this journey towards good health will be for me. I have to retrain my mind, body, and heart to function in ways it's not used to in order to have long-term sustainability and victory!
Once I came to this pivotal point in my journey, I had to then ask myself another tough question. Do I believe I am capable of making these choices and changes? Am I ready to make these changes? Do I really believe there is hope in a better way of living? Once I realized that the answer to all of these questions was yes, I had to then ask myself, what is standing in my way? The harsh reality and answer remained, ME! The most heartbreaking part of this was that I genuinely desired to feel better, I was ready to change, I knew there was no other choice for me than to make some radical changes if I sincerely desired better health and a life without pain, and still with all of that, I also knew I could never make any of those changes on my own. I'd been in similar places before, but this time it was different. This time I knew exactly what I wanted and felt stuck in moving even one foundational step forward. I knew I needed help if I was ever going to make this kind of overhaul in my life towards greater health.
So finally one night, after a long week of pain, I was laying in my bed trying to get the restorative sleep that is essential to my health. I couldn't fall asleep though, because even after four pain meds, I was feeling stabbing and shooting pains from my hip down to my knee that rooted from issues I'd been having in my mid-back earlier that week. It stretched from my quad to my hamstring, and the pain was relentless. This was my turning point. I went from dreaming of a life without pain to going after it, but my first step had to be reaching out for help as I knew there was no way I would have longevity in change without a team to spur me on. So in pain, desperate for a new day, I texted a friend who I knew would challenge and encourage me towards this life I felt I could only imagine. Change was finally on it's way!
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